waiting, waiting, waiting

this waiting thing is so hard. not too much longer and we will know the plan for treatment. then I have to decide if I want to go through with treatment or not. that's the biggest question on everyone's mind..what will I do?

it all depends on what the doctors say really. the benefits vs. the actual risk of surgery/recovery time. I know most of you think, "that's crazy and stupid, of course go for the surgery crazy lady!" but it's just not that simple. my first spinal surgery was completely awful. I woke up screaming in pain, the first time I sat up my head was pointed down to the floor and I couldn't move it up. I asked why and it was because my neck was so swollen. it looked like there was a cantaloupe sitting on the back of my neck. it took months to where I was able to start to do things for myself and years before I drove again. not to mention before I had that surgery I had pain but after the surgery I had immense immeasurable indescribable pain that's still with me today.

I also have dreams that I have moments where I am paralyzed. where one minute I am walking and the next my legs are like cement and I can't move them for the life of me no matter how hard I try. if the doctors tell me there's a risk of paralysis I don't know I want to spend the rest of my life that way. I want to walk with my kids no matter how much pain it physically causes me. plus lets face it, the average life span after a person diagnosed with chordoma is 7 years. july 8th will be 3 years since they officially found my tumor so I don't want to be away from my kids for any extended period of time for a reason that may not work.

the good thing is, today I feel good.

xoxo
kayla