freak outs

recently, any time I stand up the top of my feet start to tingle and hurt. usually when I lay down my hands and feet instantly go numb. yesterday my right hand in my last 3 fingers were numb/tingly all day. my pain meds are not working as well (I am not taking everything now due to the pregnancy) so I am spending more and more time in bed. that means more and more time away from the kids. that KILLS me. I always feel guilty about it. so on top of my stressing about new symptoms I also have the stress from extreme guilt about not being able to do more for my family.


It's been a couple months since my last scan so I know I will be due for one soon, but the thought of going into an MRI machine is horrible. (I am claustrophobic and can't take any meds for the scan right now) Plus it's easier for me to not know if the tumor is growing but then I freak out when I get new symptoms (like above). it also sucks not being around the kids and they are too young to understand. 


I wish that the tumor was never found some days. I just want a normal life. 


this isn't much of an update as you can see but I have just been feeling more and more upset every day by this and needed to get it out.


thanks for reading


xoxo
Kayla

that girl has it all

I have been told by people that I have it all. In the past and even now. Not by people who really know me but by acquaintances whom I don't want to bother with my issues. Sure on the outside it may look like it, and then a thread on a message board got me thinking. How many people just look like they have it all? How many people are faking it? 


When I go out to a store I drive up in my SUV and people could say or think it's because I want to show off. Truth is I needed something that was easier to get the kids in and out of. Bending down into cars was not easy for my neck. When they see Kim (our nanny) with me and just assume I don't want to take care of my kids, when really it kills me to pay someone else to be a second mom to the people I hold dearest in my heart.  

a lot of people think "I have it all together" or think "I have it all" even. lmao, if they even knew! when dh and I had our son I pretty much just focused on what needed to be done to make sure he was happy and healthy. I didn't have time to eat so I lost all my baby weight in 8 weeks with him. dh would cook dinner when he got home and we all would go to bed. things got easier but then we decided to try for our second baby, had a m/c and I was diagnosed with cancer! we got pregnant right away after the diagnosis and m/c had our daughter. I SAH and watched the 2 kids, a 14mo old and newborn. my son was put in a montessori school twice a week for socialization and because it was hard for me to take care of the 2 kids alone all week. as long as no one was hungry or stinky my job was done. that didn't include me of course, by the time my daughter was 4mo old I was down an extra 60lbs. In march of last year we got a nanny because I physically could not care for my 2 kids. we hired a nanny. I now get to watch another woman help raise my kids, what I wouldn't do to not have to pay someone for memories I would kill to make with my kids myself, while I sit on the sidelines.

from the outside I look like I have it altogether and I look like I have it all.